I’ll kill your friends and family to remind you of my love: In which I liveblog the #2016Debate

wegotthisOh god just kill me now

FOR THE RECORD, I’m gonna be reuploading this every, oh, I dunno, ten minutes.  It will update frequently.  Feel free to do whatever in between hitting reload all the time.

8:47: In a move that will be meaningless to all but a very small number of you who have been following me for decades, I put on my Jackass wristband.

8:56:  I realize that CNNGo isn’t working and briefly scramble to get it back on again.

8:57:  Is Lester Holt Matt Lauer?  Is that the same person?  Oh, God, what am I doing?

8:59: Dear God, an hour and a half?  No commercials?  This liter of pop I have sitting next to me is going to be a problem one way or another, isn’t it?  Some dipshit CNN commentator admits that the first 15 minutes are the most important because the other dipshits who have his job are going to start writing their stories right away.

9:02: Shouldn’t they have started by now?  C’mon.  I don’t wanna listen to these dumb CNN people any more.  I wanna listen to other dumb people, like the moderator, and the vulgar Cheeto.  Oh, and occasionally throw Hamilton lyrics into the liveblog, because I’m behind the times and just got into that.

9:03: The nationwide polls aren’t a dead heat, Wolf.  Hillary has been ahead the entire time and Trump has never been ahead once.

9:04:  Woo here we go.  Are we sure this isn’t Matt Lauer?

hwP00V9:o6: God help me, my first thought is “Why did she wear that?”  I’m a bad person.  I am vaguely surprised that Trump’s tie isn’t red.

9:08:  Hillary starts by surprising me, not spending the first several minutes talking about thanking people.  I’ve already forgotten what the first question is before she really starts talking.  Jobs.  I dunno.

9:09: Dummy has his Serious Face on.  Hillary is a little hesitant at first; I’m assuming she’ll hit her stride in a bit.

9:10:  He relies on Terk Err Jerrbs, which isn’t surprising.  I already suspect the story of the night will be Trump sniffling.  He’s actually giving a half-decent answer to the question, up to the point where he says we have to stop companies from taking our companies.

9:12: “Trumped-up trickle-down” isn’t funny and she almost forgot what it was before she said it. Hits him right away with inheriting money from his dad.  Is she standing on the left on the stage?  She’s looking offscreen the way CNN has things set up.

9:13: Oh, this’ll be fun; she’s under his skin already.  Back to the breathing.  The “small loan” from his father was millions.  He’s talking faster and sniffling more.  My wife says he has a cold.

1517206039753204911.gif9:16:  “That’s called business, by the way.”  Oh, this is gonna be fun.

9:18: He’s tried to interrupt her two or three times and she’s treating him like he’s not even there.  He’s not gonna make it through the entire debate if this keeps up.

9:21: Dude can’t stand still.  I haven’t looked at Twitter.  I take a second to do that and see that people are already RTing where Trump blamed global warming on the Chinese.  Now he’s trying to holler over her.  It’s not going to work.  I seriously thought the guy would last more than 20 minutes before he started falling apart.

9:25:  “I’m going to cut taxes big-league, and you’re going to raise taxes big-league.”  Sure, dude.  She plugs the fact-checker on her website and my wife audibly starts laughing.

9:26: “You’ve been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.”  Huh?

9:27: I go to both Clinton’s website and Trump’s.  Clinton’s website, yes, has a fact-checker.  Trump’s is down.  Every answer he’s talking faster than the one before.  He’s stopped sniffling for some reason.

WhDxv1i.png9:29: Man, searches for “Donald Trump tiny hands” return a cornucopia of riches.

9:31:  I’m really not sure what “the worst recovery since the Depression” actually means.

9:32:  Ruh-roh.  Lester Lauer is bringing up Trump’s taxes and who he may or may not be in debt to.  My wife notes that Trump’s skin looks surprisingly normal.

9:33:  Whoa.  Lauer directly points out that the IRS has stated nothing is stopping him from releasing his taxes.  Whoopsie!

9:35:  The knives are out.  “That makes me smart,” he says in response to Hillary claiming he’s paid no federal taxes.  That was the wrong answer, dude.

9:37:  I’m kinda surprised that he kept his mouth shut the whole time she was eviscerating his ass about his taxes.

9:38: Someone Tweets at me saying “It’s like watching a lion rape a sheep only in a bad way.”  Which I laugh at and then feel bad about.

9:39:  Imagine if any Democrat said we were a third world country.  He’s done nothing this entire debate but talk about how terrible America is.  But Colin Kaepernick is a problem.

.новый-коллаж__700.jpg9:40:  Oh shit.  Oh shit.  OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.  She’s going straight at his business dealings.  Oh god I didn’t think this was going to be this much fun.

9:42:  Any second now there will be video of Trump saying he’d negotiate down the debt.  He keeps his mouth shut while she cuts him apart again.  I hope she brings up the little kids who were singing at his rally and are now suing him.

9:44:  “Let’s talk about race.”  OH THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.  LET’S DEFINITELY DO THIS.

9:45:  Wait, I was gonna quote Hamilton as a joke.  Uh… young, scrappy and hungry.  Or something.

9:46: Say Black Lives Matter, Hillary.  SAY IT.

9:47:  My “Interesting People” list on Twitter is moving so fast I can’t even keep up.  I can’t imagine what my full feed looks like.  He got the FOP endorsement at least a week or two ago, not today.

9:48:  Oh, good, let’s talk about taking guns away and stop and frisk.  That will help you a lot.  2600 shootings in Chicago in 2016 so far, btw.

trump-nope.jpg9:49: Matt Holt is actually doing a pretty good job so far of pointing out Trump’s bullshit.  Holt points out th
at it was ruled unconstitutional and Trump flat-out denies it.  Untrue.  He’s back to sniffling again, btw.

9:51: My five-year-old son, who is supposed to be asleep, walks out into the living room to announce that he needs a drink, and looks at the TV and says “Is that Donald Trump?”  HOW THE HELL DOES MY SON KNOW WHO DONALD TRUMP IS?

9:52: I’d like to hear the phrase “Systemic racism” from Hillary right now.

9:53:  HOLY SHIT SHE SAID IT.  My wife is demanding Law & Order memes.  I swear I really did type that right before she said “systemic racism.”

9:54: Trump is about to call himself the least racist person who ever lived.  Hitting update before he says it.

9:55:  I’d like to point out that I thought Barack Obama lost his first debate against McCain and against Romney.  So I’m generally not shy about saying it when I think Dems are losing debates.  Hillary is grinding Trump into a thin orange paste right now and he’s STILL defending stop and frisk.  Holy shit.



10:00:  “I was preparing for this debate.  And I’m also prepared to be the President of the United States.”  She’s been waiting for a chance to use that line.  He has no response at all.  He’s less manic now; he seems to be getting tired.

10:02:  She’s about to cut his balls off again.

10:03:  Have I made this clear yet?  I will be proud as hell to vote for this woman.

10:04:  He still hasn’t actually said “Barack Obama was born in the United States,” by the way.

10:05:  That should have been an applause line.  And Clinton’s team did nothing to advance the birther nonsense.  I was paying really fucking close attention, goddammit.  I would have noticed.

10:06: “Everyone got sued for it, and I settled the lawsuit without admission of guilt” is not a good defense, Donnie.  I can’t believe he’s not actually bleeding at this point.

suwpx2jobnn6ruqmg9hd10:09:  She’s leaving absolutely nothing on the table with this guy, and it’s all going to happen again twice more.

10:10:  Who or what is Ice?

10:11:  “As far as the cyber…”

10:12: Sure, let’s fat-shame nerds too while we’re at it, assholes.

10:13:  How the fuck is ISIS beating us at the Internet?  What the shit does that even mean?  STOP SAYING CYBER.  Does he even know how fucking stupid he sounds when he says that?

10:14: Holy shit, there’s only fifteen minutes left.  This was actually fun.  What the hell’s wrong with me?

10:15: The second I type that, my feed goes to shit.  DAMMIT!

10:16:  I get the feed back on and he’s yapping about “taking the oil” again.  I have never had the slightest idea what the hell “take the oil” means.  It ain’t like you can fly a giant biscuit over there and sop that shit up.  You can’t do it.  And he never gets called on it; I hope she does.

10:17:  It occurs to me that maybe my Twitter feed is actually somehow killing my internet connection because it’s moving at Goddamn lightspeed.  I shut it off.

10:19:  I may have blacked out for a second.  Why is he talking about NATO?


10:20:  He’s pronounced “terror” three different ways in the last thirty seconds.

10:22: What the hell is this “no one wants to call Sean Hannity” nonsense about?  They did an article in a major magazine?  But he doesn’t mention the magazine? tumblr_nlsosxLH3C1tew7o3o1_1280.png.jpeg

10:23: He says he has a better temperament than Clinton does and there is audible laughter in the audience.

10:24:  Ba-da-da DAT da!  Dat da-da da DIE da da!

10:26:  The weirdest thing about Trump tonight is how quiet he’s been while she’s been tearing him apart.  I don’t know if his attention is wandering or what but there are places where he SHOULD have been interrupting just to try to knock her off her game.  She just had two uninterrupted minutes and ripped his ass to shreds.


10:27: Seriously, how can he get away with constantly saying “We lose on everything!” and the Republicans just lap it up?

10:28:  He doesn’t know what “the current policy” is, Lester.

10:29: I kinda hope Clinton points out that he has no idea what policy Holt is talking about.  For the record, I actually don’t either, which is why I’m certain that Trump doesn’t.


10:33: CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME it may be time for bed

10:35:  “Secretary Clinton, would you care to sautée Trump’s balls one more time?”

10:36:  “Why yes, Lester, I would.”

10:37: Okay we’re way past OH WAIT HE CANNOT BE TALKING ABOUT ROSIE O’DONNELL my bedtime and maybe it should be time for these people to stop talking now.  His defense just now appears to be “I was gonna say mean things but I decided not to.”

10:38:  He really shouldn’t have had to ask that question.  Trump, naturally, doesn’t answer the “Will you accept the result of the election?” question.  (Wait.  No.  He does at the last second.  Good.)

In summary:


REBLOG: Sex positive parenting: the book we are going to burn

I endorse this message.


My wife and I are huge book lovers, the word ‘bibliophile’ definitely comes to mind.  On top of this, we are also very sex(uality) positive when it comes to parenting, both wanting our four children to grow up with a healthy understanding of sex and sexuality, theirs and in general.  Our eldest daughter is 11 now and is going through puberty; she loves reading puberty books, demolishes the damn things, then reads them two, three, four more times… and a month later will get them out from the library again.  It got to the point we ended up buying the books for her.

A few months back we were in our regular secondhand bookshop, perusing the shelves full of booky potential.  I came across a hardcover book – ‘Questions Kids Ask about Sex: Honest answers for every age’, Melissa R. Cox (ed) – and thought HEY!  THAT SOUNDS FUCKING…

View original post 1,632 more words

In which my day starts off strange

200_sI should have taken this and gotten a picture on the spot; I apologize for my failure as a blogger.

My day began with an irate parent in the office– before I was even able to get to my desk and put my stuff down.  She’s mad that a teacher has sent a note home without any “useful” information on it, including her signature, and is furthermore angry that her daughter was prevented from leaving the gym at the end of the day so that she could go to said staff member and acquire this all-important signature.  She’s demanding to speak to the teacher in question immediately.

Right away I smell a rat, for several reasons, not least among which is the fact that the teacher in question has gym duty at the end of the day and would, therefore, be in the gym.  I ask to see the note.  The parent hands me two pieces of paper: her daughter’s progress report, which has every single grade carefully scratched out with what appears to be both black pen and Sharpie, and the handwritten note from the teacher.

Note that the parent is mad at the teacher, which means that I don’t help her mood any when I immediately start laughing and tell her daughter that she has exactly one chance to tell the truth before we have a serious problem.  Because this is basically the note:



1) A
2) B-
3) A
4) B
5) B+
6) A-
7) A


I didn’t memorize the motherfucker; I remember there was definitely one word in there that had a superfluous “e” in it somewhere, but you get the idea.  Furthermore, every letter on the page has been gone over at least two times in a way absolutely no adult anywhere writes but is currently a popular affectation among teenage girls.

Note also that the students have eight classes, not seven.

What’s Mom mad about?  That the classes aren’t labeled.   She apparently hasn’t noticed the… uh… various other issues with the note.  She then proceeded to get mad at me for declining to punish her daughter at school; sorry, lady, this one is clearly your problem.  I’m not doing anything about it.

And, say it with me: if the daughter doesn’t pass ISTEP, it’s my fault.

“Road trip”

I am not sure I was properly warned about the nature of this expedition.


On scammery

Got this in the mail yesterday.  Fascinatingly, it was sent to Luther Siler— who, remember, isn’t a real person– at my actual physical address.  The number of organizations that can pair his name with my address are… limited.  And I am not happy with them.

This is page 3 of a three-page letter; I’m not going to bother reproducing the first two.  If you happen to get this in the mail, you should throw it the hell away.

miraBefore we start, the first page is a fake check for $601.  Their “Ultimate Publishing Package” costs $1600, meaning that with their “discount” you’re only spending nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars of your money– before they make you a single dime, and as we’ll see it’s going to be more than that anyway.

Let’s walk through this “offer” bit by bit, shall we?

  • 100 Printed Copies of Your Book.  This is the meat of the offer, because printed copies of books are expensive.  A thousand dollars divided by a hundred copies is only $10 each!  Except paperbacks generally cost $7-8 to buy, and… oh, wait, if you look at the description, this is assuming your book is only fifty pages long, and books longer than that will incur additional costs.  Skylights was about 450 pages; most genre novels nowadays are in the 300 range at least.  I’m guessing by the time the additional charges are added in for your $10, 50-page book, you’re only getting 20-25 of them if you don’t cough up more money.  Why am I assuming that the rest of their services wouldn’t cost money?  Because most of them don’t.  Note that there is no mention of shipping cost, which I have no doubt will be passed on to you. Continue on:
  • Cover Design.  Okay, this can be expensive, I’ll admit.  But they include no examples of their work, and I’m guessing that it’s going to be shoddy based on the rest of the flyer.
  • Interior Page Layout.  Not actually that hard, and takes an hour.
  • ISBN Number with Bar Code.  If you’re buying ISBNs in small batches, they can be expensive– I spent $295 for a batch of 10.  Left out of this is that this organization is probably buying them in batches of 1000 or 10,000 at significantly lower cost– and that it lists them as your publisher, since they own the ISBN.  Bar code registration is, like, $15.
  • Library of Congress Control Number.  Free.
  • Publicity Kit.  Costs some money, but not much; note that no information about paper quality or color is given, and note that this shit is just mailed to you, probably charging you for shipping in the process.  I don’t know who the hell I might mail five hundred goddamn postcards to about my book, and the types of people who use this sort of service are not likely to be doing in-store signings where they might pass out bookmarks.
  • One National Press Release.  Note that you write the press release, and that that’s all it is– just a press release, which compels no one to write about your shitty little book.  I looked up costs at PRWeb, and for one person buying one “Standard” press release is $159.  I am certain that their costs are substantially cheaper.
  • Author Website (Plus One Year’s Hosting).  This is especially hilarious; they’ll set up a WordPress site for you!  Wow!  That’s free!  And a year of hosting at GoDaddy will run you next to nothing, especially since they’re probably registering an impossibly specific domain name that no one wants.  Note that they don’t promise a .com site; just a “custom URL.”
  • Online Bookstore Set-up.  They’ll “list” your book on their site, pay you 80% of sales, and charge you $9.95 a month to maintain a fucking link.  So the minimum cost of this “Ultimate Publishing Package” just went from $999 to $1118.40, assuming your “book” is only fifty goddamn pages long.  This is pretty clearly a POD outfit, so there is literally nothing being stored in their “warehouse.”
  • The Square (credit card reader system for smartphones.)  Is free! Go ahead, sign up for one here.
  • Expert Consultation and Personal Project Manager.  They have a phone line; you can call a dude.  They have a curious definition of “unlimited basis,” too, since I’m pretty certain if I need my Personal Project Manager at three in the morning he ain’t gonna answer the phone.

Fuck these folks, and I seriously want to have a word with whoever sold them my address.  If you get mail from them, throw it away.  They’re assholes.