Oh god just kill me now
FOR THE RECORD, I’m gonna be reuploading this every, oh, I dunno, ten minutes. It will update frequently. Feel free to do whatever in between hitting reload all the time.
8:47: In a move that will be meaningless to all but a very small number of you who have been following me for decades, I put on my Jackass wristband.
8:56: I realize that CNNGo isn’t working and briefly scramble to get it back on again.
8:57: Is Lester Holt Matt Lauer? Is that the same person? Oh, God, what am I doing?
8:59: Dear God, an hour and a half? No commercials? This liter of pop I have sitting next to me is going to be a problem one way or another, isn’t it? Some dipshit CNN commentator admits that the first 15 minutes are the most important because the other dipshits who have his job are going to start writing their stories right away.
9:02: Shouldn’t they have started by now? C’mon. I don’t wanna listen to these dumb CNN people any more. I wanna listen to other dumb people, like the moderator, and the vulgar Cheeto. Oh, and occasionally throw Hamilton lyrics into the liveblog, because I’m behind the times and just got into that.
9:03: The nationwide polls aren’t a dead heat, Wolf. Hillary has been ahead the entire time and Trump has never been ahead once.
9:04: Woo here we go. Are we sure this isn’t Matt Lauer?
9:o6: God help me, my first thought is “Why did she wear that?” I’m a bad person. I am vaguely surprised that Trump’s tie isn’t red.
9:08: Hillary starts by surprising me, not spending the first several minutes talking about thanking people. I’ve already forgotten what the first question is before she really starts talking. Jobs. I dunno.
9:09: Dummy has his Serious Face on. Hillary is a little hesitant at first; I’m assuming she’ll hit her stride in a bit.
9:10: He relies on Terk Err Jerrbs, which isn’t surprising. I already suspect the story of the night will be Trump sniffling. He’s actually giving a half-decent answer to the question, up to the point where he says we have to stop companies from taking our companies.
9:12: “Trumped-up trickle-down” isn’t funny and she almost forgot what it was before she said it. Hits him right away with inheriting money from his dad. Is she standing on the left on the stage? She’s looking offscreen the way CNN has things set up.
9:13: Oh, this’ll be fun; she’s under his skin already. Back to the breathing. The “small loan” from his father was millions. He’s talking faster and sniffling more. My wife says he has a cold.
9:16: “That’s called business, by the way.” Oh, this is gonna be fun.
9:18: He’s tried to interrupt her two or three times and she’s treating him like he’s not even there. He’s not gonna make it through the entire debate if this keeps up.
9:21: Dude can’t stand still. I haven’t looked at Twitter. I take a second to do that and see that people are already RTing where Trump blamed global warming on the Chinese. Now he’s trying to holler over her. It’s not going to work. I seriously thought the guy would last more than 20 minutes before he started falling apart.
9:25: “I’m going to cut taxes big-league, and you’re going to raise taxes big-league.” Sure, dude. She plugs the fact-checker on her website and my wife audibly starts laughing.
9:26: “You’ve been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.” Huh?
9:27: I go to both Clinton’s website and Trump’s. Clinton’s website, yes, has a fact-checker. Trump’s is down. Every answer he’s talking faster than the one before. He’s stopped sniffling for some reason.
9:29: Man, searches for “Donald Trump tiny hands” return a cornucopia of riches.
9:31: I’m really not sure what “the worst recovery since the Depression” actually means.
9:32: Ruh-roh. Lester Lauer is bringing up Trump’s taxes and who he may or may not be in debt to. My wife notes that Trump’s skin looks surprisingly normal.
9:33: Whoa. Lauer directly points out that the IRS has stated nothing is stopping him from releasing his taxes. Whoopsie!
9:35: The knives are out. “That makes me smart,” he says in response to Hillary claiming he’s paid no federal taxes. That was the wrong answer, dude.
9:37: I’m kinda surprised that he kept his mouth shut the whole time she was eviscerating his ass about his taxes.
9:38: Someone Tweets at me saying “It’s like watching a lion rape a sheep only in a bad way.” Which I laugh at and then feel bad about.
9:39: Imagine if any Democrat said we were a third world country. He’s done nothing this entire debate but talk about how terrible America is. But Colin Kaepernick is a problem.
.
9:40: Oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT. She’s going straight at his business dealings. Oh god I didn’t think this was going to be this much fun.
9:42: Any second now there will be video of Trump saying he’d negotiate down the debt. He keeps his mouth shut while she cuts him apart again. I hope she brings up the little kids who were singing at his rally and are now suing him.
9:44: “Let’s talk about race.” OH THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. LET’S DEFINITELY DO THIS.
9:45: Wait, I was gonna quote Hamilton as a joke. Uh… young, scrappy and hungry. Or something.
9:46: Say Black Lives Matter, Hillary. SAY IT.
9:47: My “Interesting People” list on Twitter is moving so fast I can’t even keep up. I can’t imagine what my full feed looks like. He got the FOP endorsement at least a week or two ago, not today.
9:48: Oh, good, let’s talk about taking guns away and stop and frisk. That will help you a lot. 2600 shootings in Chicago in 2016 so far, btw.
9:49: Matt Holt is actually doing a pretty good job so far of pointing out Trump’s bullshit. Holt points out th
at it was ruled unconstitutional and Trump flat-out denies it. Untrue. He’s back to sniffling again, btw.
9:51: My five-year-old son, who is supposed to be asleep, walks out into the living room to announce that he needs a drink, and looks at the TV and says “Is that Donald Trump?” HOW THE HELL DOES MY SON KNOW WHO DONALD TRUMP IS?
9:52: I’d like to hear the phrase “Systemic racism” from Hillary right now.
9:53: HOLY SHIT SHE SAID IT. My wife is demanding Law & Order memes. I swear I really did type that right before she said “systemic racism.”
9:54: Trump is about to call himself the least racist person who ever lived. Hitting update before he says it.
9:55: I’d like to point out that I thought Barack Obama lost his first debate against McCain and against Romney. So I’m generally not shy about saying it when I think Dems are losing debates. Hillary is grinding Trump into a thin orange paste right now and he’s STILL defending stop and frisk. Holy shit.
9:58: DANCE BREAK!
10:00: “I was preparing for this debate. And I’m also prepared to be the President of the United States.” She’s been waiting for a chance to use that line. He has no response at all. He’s less manic now; he seems to be getting tired.
10:02: She’s about to cut his balls off again.
10:03: Have I made this clear yet? I will be proud as hell to vote for this woman.
10:04: He still hasn’t actually said “Barack Obama was born in the United States,” by the way.
10:05: That should have been an applause line. And Clinton’s team did nothing to advance the birther nonsense. I was paying really fucking close attention, goddammit. I would have noticed.
10:06: “Everyone got sued for it, and I settled the lawsuit without admission of guilt” is not a good defense, Donnie. I can’t believe he’s not actually bleeding at this point.
10:09: She’s leaving absolutely nothing on the table with this guy, and it’s all going to happen again twice more.
10:10: Who or what is Ice?
10:11: “As far as the cyber…”
10:12: Sure, let’s fat-shame nerds too while we’re at it, assholes.
10:13: How the fuck is ISIS beating us at the Internet? What the shit does that even mean? STOP SAYING CYBER. Does he even know how fucking stupid he sounds when he says that?
10:14: Holy shit, there’s only fifteen minutes left. This was actually fun. What the hell’s wrong with me?
10:15: The second I type that, my feed goes to shit. DAMMIT!
10:16: I get the feed back on and he’s yapping about “taking the oil” again. I have never had the slightest idea what the hell “take the oil” means. It ain’t like you can fly a giant biscuit over there and sop that shit up. You can’t do it. And he never gets called on it; I hope she does.
10:17: It occurs to me that maybe my Twitter feed is actually somehow killing my internet connection because it’s moving at Goddamn lightspeed. I shut it off.
10:19: I may have blacked out for a second. Why is he talking about NATO?
10:20: He’s pronounced “terror” three different ways in the last thirty seconds.
10:22: What the hell is this “no one wants to call Sean Hannity” nonsense about? They did an article in a major magazine? But he doesn’t mention the magazine? 
10:23: He says he has a better temperament than Clinton does and there is audible laughter in the audience.
10:24: Ba-da-da DAT da! Dat da-da da DIE da da!
10:26: The weirdest thing about Trump tonight is how quiet he’s been while she’s been tearing him apart. I don’t know if his attention is wandering or what but there are places where he SHOULD have been interrupting just to try to knock her off her game. She just had two uninterrupted minutes and ripped his ass to shreds.
10:27: Seriously, how can he get away with constantly saying “We lose on everything!” and the Republicans just lap it up?
10:28: He doesn’t know what “the current policy” is, Lester.
10:29: I kinda hope Clinton points out that he has no idea what policy Holt is talking about. For the record, I actually don’t either, which is why I’m certain that Trump doesn’t.
10:31: IT’S PAST TEN THIRTY LESTERMATT HOLTLAUER WHY ARE WE NOT DONE YET
10:33: CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME it may be time for bed
10:35: “Secretary Clinton, would you care to sautée Trump’s balls one more time?”
10:36: “Why yes, Lester, I would.”
10:37: Okay we’re way past OH WAIT HE CANNOT BE TALKING ABOUT ROSIE O’DONNELL my bedtime and maybe it should be time for these people to stop talking now. His defense just now appears to be “I was gonna say mean things but I decided not to.”
10:38: He really shouldn’t have had to ask that question. Trump, naturally, doesn’t answer the “Will you accept the result of the election?” question. (Wait. No. He does at the last second. Good.)
In summary:
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