On search engines

49871196Gene’O, partially in response to my post last week about blogwanking and numbers, put up a post today over at Sourcerer about trying to drive search engine hits to their blogs.  It put me in mind of a post that I keep meaning to write and not getting around to.

This post will be filled with profanity, but not for the reason you think.  Just FYI.

Back in February I took a picture of twenty inches of snow in my front yard.  I titled the picture “Man, fuck this.”  And a hilarious search engine blip was born.  It turns out that people who are looking for gay porn (I think?) on the Internet and are, perhaps, not terribly great at constructing Google searches sometimes construct their searches by simply typing “man fuck” into Google and then clicking on everything they see.

If you look at my all-time results for hits from search engines, guys, “manfuck”– all one word– is my number one search result.  “man fuck”– two words– is number two.  Also on the list:  “manfuck.” (one word, with a period), “men fucking nen,” which I hope is a typo but is not my typo, “men to man fuck,” “man fuck other,” “manfuck man,” who is totally the worst superhero of all time, “man to man fuck,” “man to manfuck,” “man fuck man 2014,” because timeliness in your porn is important, and “manfukk.”  Also on the list, but related to different posts: “fucking at burger king,” “fuck at burgerking,” “fucker/post hole digger” (what?) “angry fukning” and “pictfamily fucked,” which I don’t think has anything to do with the historical Picts at all.

Most of the rest of my search results, and this isn’t a joke, are either about Super Why or my reblog of the “worst end of school year mom ever” post.  I repeat: this is not a joke.

And I can only guess what this post is going to do to all of those search queries.  I’m totally gonna corner the market on SEO-optimized blogs for non-internet-savvy porn searchers over here.  🙂


Asshole here keeps eating my flowers. Come get him.



1) Managed to make it through last night without any old high school acquaintances drunkenly stumbling to my front door or anything like that.  So that’s good.  I gotta make it through work tonight without anybody finding me but they’re all supposed to be at a baseball game so I figure the chances are minimal.

2) So far this has not worked out as swimmingly as I might have hoped.  You guys seem to enjoy it when I humiliate myself (seriously, posts that boil down to “here’s some dumb shit that I just did because I’m an idiot” dominate the top 10 around here) but not many of you are spending money to make it happen.  🙂  You still have about thirteen hours!

3) I’ve been having a real problem with Amazon removing positive reviews of The Benevolence Archives— there are currently four reviews listed on the site, two five-star reviews and two four-star reviews.  There should be seven; three four-star reviews and four five-star reviews.  Luckily for me, I’ve got copies of the deleted reviews, and I think I’m gonna post ’em on the page later today or tomorrow.  I need to redo the BA page anyway, so I may as well get all my reviews up where people can actually see them.

Plans for the rest of the weekend include getting the damn Baen story done arrrgh and Redgarding the bathroom, or at least preparing the bathroom for Redgarding, with painter’s tape and plastic and such.  How are you?

In which I put my mouth where your money is

I just did a marketing/promotion thing a few minutes ago– a minor marketing/promotion thing, mind you– that made me feel kinda dirty.  But it appears to have made what is about to happen happen, so maybe it was OK.

I got into a conversation with a new Twitter buddy over the last couple of days about kicking Coke.  I haven’t had more than a couple of liters of pop in any form in 2014, cutting back more or less cold turkey after going through three or four cans a day of Pepsi Next, Coke Zero, or Mountain Dew beforehand.  She’s a heavy Coke drinker and wanted to stop.  I promised to support and/or berate her as she felt like she needed.

Then I found this webpage, and it’s kinda important to context that you click through and take a look, especially if you don’t know what happens if you combine Coca-Cola and milk.

(There is an entire chemical rant in here, but it’s off-topic for the moment, so I’ll ignore it.)

Anyway, I got curious:



This is sitting on my counter in my kitchen right now.

And here’s where I do penance for being a butthead marketer earlier.  And where I entertain myself, because I gotta be honest, I’m curious, and if this cracked me up I gotta figure somebody other than me is gonna think it’s funny too.

Here’s the deal, y’all:  If I sell twelve books— just less than one every two hours– between now and getting home from OtherJob tomorrow night (sometime between 10:30 and midnight, depending on whether it rains)– I will taste that shit.  And I will let my wife film it.  And I will upload it to the site where you can see it.

I’m serious.  I’m also probably an idiot, but I’m serious.

Obviously feel free to share this out if you like.  🙂

hold on wait what

This is… uh… a bit NSFW, but not, like, super NSFW, but… yeah, I’m putting it behind a jump anyway.  Because OMGWTF.


Continue reading “hold on wait what”