Creepy Children’s Programming Reviews: MINI FORCE

My kid’s day care was supposed to have a Father’s Day party today, but I’m kind of pissed at my kid’s day care right now– more on that later, maybe– and so instead I picked him up early and we’ve been having a Daddy/Kenny day at home.  Which means lots of toys (there are Transformers everywhere) and lots of binging terrible Korean animated shows on Netflix.  This is probably the fastest any show has gone from “I’ve never heard of this” to “I must do a CCPR post on this immediately,” by the way.

Meet the Mini Force:

They’re little talking animals.  The pink one is a girl, which I’m sure you’ll all find tremendously surprising.  The red one is a bird, although he doesn’t seem to fly.  Other than the red one, I have no idea what kind of animals they are.  Maybe they’re all cats, other than the bird?  The blue one might be a skunk?  I have no damn clue.  Anyway, they talk.  And they live with a girl named Susie, who in animated kids’ show fashion appears to have no parents or adult influences.  Susie knows they talk and can talk back to them.  They look just like Octonauts.

Here’s how every show goes: each episode starts with a bunch of woodland animals being inconvenienced in some way, most of the time by a purple Shredder-looking dude named Pascal or some robot he’s created.  Sometimes Shredder’s boss is around; he’s dressed like some sort of Spandex-wearing supervillain and I don’t know his name.

The degree of the inconvenience varies.  Sometimes it’s special pop that makes the animals fall asleep.  Sometimes it’s a snake monster that turns them to stone.  The stakes tend to vary.

At any rate, after the animals are inconvenienced, we cut to the four Mini Force dudes at home with Susie.  They have some sort of interpersonal problem that will not be resolved and are then summoned via some sort of blinky device that one of them carries.  Where to?  Not clear at all; they run away and then are suddenly inside some sort of giant complex.  I’m not sure if Susie knows about this part of their lives; she probably wonders where they go all the time.  They meet with a hologram of a cat.  I don’t know what the cat’s name is– they just call him Commander– but he has a mustache and wears sunglasses and a Kangol.  I don’t get it.

If Pascal isn’t the villain, then the robot causing all the trouble will have -mon at the end of its name.  Every time.

Then they become Power Rangers.  I’m not kidding:

Like, the theme music even refers to them as the “Super Rangers Mini Force,” although there’s no credits for Saban anywhere and I’m pretty sure this is just a knockoff and not an official thing.  But anyway.  The very next scene after the transformation, they’ve teleported to wherever the bad guy is– no time for exposition here!– and then there’s a fight. The fights are those Power Rangers-style fights where there’s always time for lots of talking in between people shooting at one another and your weapons have to be summoned by saying very long phrases out loud.

They lose the fight, and one of them is generally incapacitated somehow.  There is a lot of grunting.  Seriously, the dialogue in this show is maybe 60% grunts.  It’s amazing.

After they lose, they summon their “Force Cars.”  Why they didn’t just drive to the fucking fight in the Force Cars isn’t clear.  I assume everyone just sits around while the Force Cars drive out to wherever they are.  The Force Cars are, no shit, Transformers:

Somewhere in here, the villain gets super large, also Power Rangers style.  And not all the time, but sometimes, the Force Cars have to– wait for it– join together to make a single, much larger Force Car.  At which point the show becomes Voltron.  And then they win, and the show ends abruptly, most of the time with no indication of whether the inconvenienced animals at the beginning of the show were ever made better or not.  Maybe they’re still asleep or made from stone or whatever; who knows?

It is impressive to have ripped off that many well-known properties so blatantly and still not have been sued into nonexistence.

For the record

There’s about to be another post right after this one, but this still needs to be said: yesterday was the closest this blog has ever gotten to the Previous Incarnation of my blogging, and my mid-2000s Xanga blog was like that all the time.  I’m really not interested in using this blog like I used my previous one, which was a way to boil off stress and anger from the Bush administration so that it didn’t spill over into my actual life.  And I would gladly name Bush President-for-Life rather than endure even another month of the evil fucking clowns we’ve got running everything now.  So, yeah: hopefully I won’t be getting all 2005 around here all the time now, but that one was pretty much unavoidable.

On “assassination porn” and stupid, stupid people

e45So, you’d think if somebody wrote an article called “It’s Time for Democrats to Take Responsibility For Their Assassination Porn,” there would be a real good chance that that article would be about 1) assassination porn, whatever the fuck that is and 2) Democrats.  That would be a reasonable assumption!  Even, perhaps, a common one!

Unfortunately it’s 2017 and everything is stupid as fuck and it’s been a long time since I’ve ripped a politics article to shreds so let’s do this shit.

Wednesday, our public servants were violently attacked. Except, this time it wasn’t a man or woman with brown skin who swears allegiance to Allah. Nor was it a man or woman who worships in the “deep state” of Pepe the Frog and Alex Jones conspiracies while swearing allegiance to right-wing conservatism.

Okay, first of all, this intro would be half-assed coming from a high school student.  The phrase “swears allegiance” is used twice in two sentences and you don’t worship “in” a “deep state,” much less a conspiracy.  It sounds like it makes sense until you actually pay attention to it.  Maybe the next couple of sentences will be better.

Instead, the perpetrator shares the same political ideals as 50 percent of the country.

Which fifty percent?  Because that “right wing conservatism” thing is close enough to half of us to not be worth grousing about, and if you think “the left” is half of the country…

Yesterday a liberal supporter who volunteered for the Bernie Sanders campaign attacked a political servant, capital police officers, and Hill staffers.

Again, grammar:  attacked political servant?  Just one?  And what part of “liberal” and “volunteered for Bernie Sanders” says 50 percent of the country to you?  Fuck Bernie Sanders.

But I’m quibbling.  Let’s get to the meat of the article:

a madman released several gunshots at the representatives

Okay I can’t actually let that pass.  Released?  He released several gunshots?  You release doves.

As the events unfolded, Sen. Rand Paul commented that if it weren’t for the capital police, everyone would have been dead on the field.

Yeah, let’s talk about some things Rand Paul has said real quick.  There’s this, for example:

Screen Shot 2017-06-15 at 7.43.50 PM

Now, Paul’s apparently quoting this “judge nap” individual here.  Do I care?  Not a fucking bit; he’s RTed this guy’s words without condemnation or equivocation and so he gets to fucking own them.  Remember, it’s the Democrats who need to “take responsibility for their assassination porn,” but this fucker literally calling for people to shoot at the government (and then crying when they do!) gets a pass.

For years, the Left has focused on the racism and demagoguery on the Right that they believe led to the election of Donald Trump.

This is absolutely true.

Certainly, Trump’s comments about how “Second Amendment people” could do something about Hillary Clinton, or that he could assassinate someone on the street and still get elected, didn’t help negate such stereotypes. Neither did depictions from radical conservatives of Barack Obama being burnt, lynched, or hung from a noose ease tensions between the Right and Left.

These things all happened!  Now, this person talking about “Second Amendment people” was running for President while he said that, and he’s supposedly the President now.  And those “radical conservatives” include close associates of that so-called President, including his own employees, as well as violent scumbags like Ted Nugent who he has invited to the White House.  Meanwhile, there’s that asshole who physically assaulted a reporter– he’s in Congress now, too!

So, I’m sure the Democrats who are guilty of “assassination porn” will be of similar influence as the President of the United States, right?

When former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin released a “crosshairs” target map of 20 congressional districts under faces of Democratic lawmakers with the text “Don’t Retreat, Instead – Reload,” liberals immediately chastised the violent, disgusting act “critics saw as a winking approval of violence,” wrote Max Fisher of The Atlantic.

“Former governor of Alaska.”

Former governor of Alaska.

Former governor of Alaska.

Man, I coulda sworn Sarah Palin did something other than be governor of Alaska for half a term.  OH WAIT RIGHT SHE WAS A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE.  So so far we have the actual fucking President and the VP nominee from the previous political cycle who are guilty of violent, eliminationist rhetoric.  So, man, we must really be up for something once they get around to those Democrats who need to take responsibility for their assassination porn.  Sarah Palin putting literal crosshairs on people’s faces wasn’t quite enough to qualify, apparently; whatever it is the Democrats have done is probably way worse.

Also, just last week the shitgibbon’s son literally said on TV that he didn’t think Democrats were people.  But whatever.  Both sides!

Liberals’ anger at Palin was justified, considering that soon after Gabrielle Gifford, a Democrat, was shot in the head and 13 others were wounded, including six killed.

Yeah, let’s not forget that that happened.  Democrats reacted exactly the same way they’re reacting to the most current attack– calling for some sort of sane fucking gun policy in this country, because we want people to stop getting shot.  Guess what: that’s going to be our reaction to every single shooting, no matter who does it or who they’re shooting at!  Maybe there should be fewer guns, and it should be harder to get them!  This might happen less often if that were true!

Republicans blew it off, since they only care when it’s them getting shot at.  Two dozen fucking children were murdered and they called the entire thing a conspiracy and mocked us for caring.  I’m supposed to cry when it’s one Republican congressperson who survives the assault?

Of course, Palin isn’t responsible for that tragedy, but I agree with Andrew Sullivan that her “inflammatory rhetoric has poisoned the discourse and has long run the risk of empowering the deranged.” Like our actions, words have consequences.

You didn’t have a stroke; the first half and back half of this quote do, in fact, directly contradict each other.

If “inflammatory rhetoric” poisons the well of civility, then certainly liberals bear some responsibility for Wednesday’s hideous assault against Republicans.

MY BODY IS READY.  Hit me with some of that Democratic assassination porn!

Since last November, liberals (including myself) have engaged in rhetoric and disdain against Trump and conservatives for myriad reasons. But some of the arguments and intense conversations, especially on social media, have been utterly gruesome. This rhetoric I’ve personally refused to partake in, like pondering the assassination of the president.

I am super fucking psyched for the long list of examples of Democratic elected officials who have pondered the assassination of the President and/or called for violence against the same.  I’m ready.  Let’s go.  Example time, assholes!

Recently, comedian Kathy Griffin

Wait what

Political commentator and activist Reza Aslan

Hold the fuck on

To this day, liberals refuse to accept that Trump won the presidency, despite the interference of the Russians.

Oh you did not just bring up Kathy fucking Griffin and Reza Aslan— Aslan’s sin, by the way, is calling the President a “piece of shit,” not, like, any violent rhetoric of any fucking kind at all– and then change the fucking subject like you were done talking.  Is this seriously where we’re going, here?  We’re juxtaposing literal violent threats and violent fantasies from the highest echelons of the Republican party with a third-rate comedienne doing a routine no one understood or gave much of a shit about and a religious studies professor with a potty mouth?  Are you fucking kidding me?

How the fuck do you type something this stupid and not just hurt all over while you’re doing it?  I would expect my brain to slowly shut down autonomous processes until I died if I persisted in something this fucking dumb.

We’ve engaged in mindless conversations about how Clinton won the popular vote, Trump is a moron, and Republicans are heartless.

Oh, go fuck yourself.  I’ve not been talking about it much around here, but it’s becoming increasingly fucking clear as time goes on that that was the least legitimate election in American history.  This isn’t that post, but these are far from fucking “mindless conversations,” and I’m sick to fuck of people acting like vote suppression and Russian interference in our electoral processes are just things that happen that no one should worry about.  I repeat: go fuck yourself.

None of these arguments over semantics resolve real peoples’ problems, such as economic disparity, affordable health care, lack of job opportunities in urban and rural areas, climate change, and an out-of-control prison system.

You know what else isn’t going to resolve those real people’s problems?  The Republican party.  They don’t give a single fucking wet shit about people.  Look at this abomination of a health care bill– oh, wait, you can’t.  They screamed for years about how Obamacare, which was debated for a year and a half, was “rammed through,” and literally no one outside of the Republican half of the Senate has seen the fucking bill.

So, right.  Still waiting for that assassination porn.  There’s gotta be one elected Democrat in here somewhere.  Just one.

Sanders isn’t responsible.

Well, then.

He’s been responsibly engaging in conversations on practical progressive ideas,

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Have I said “fuck Bernie Sanders” yet?  No?  Fuck Bernie Sanders.  He’s not a Democrat and neither are his followers– in fact, they’re fucking proud of it.  And gaslight as much as you like but there is a part of his base that crosses over quite neatly with Trump’s base, and that crossover element is pure fucking misogyny.  Every white dude who thought he was a lefty but hated women anyway voted for Sanders.  Every single one.  And Sanders’ reaction to this rot in his midst has been to repeatedly deny that these people exist and try to gaslight those of us who have had to put up with them into believing we’re making that up.  Yeah, I said it:  that fucker who shot at those Congressmen was a Bernie Bro, and fuck him.

NOTE: this is another difference between us and them, by the way– any Clinton supporter/mainline Democrat who gets it into his or her head (who the fuck am I kidding; it’ll be “his”) to go shoot up anyone at all under any circumstances can also be similarly fucked.  The Republicans defended the shit out of motherfuckers for pointing guns at federal agents when those motherfuckers were white conservatives.  Does the word Malheur ring a bell to any of you?  Do you remember these assholes?

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I’m sure there’s a Democrat doing some assassination porn here somewhere…
But yeah, back to Bernie for a sec, and in the interest of precision: I don’t hold him responsible for the misogyny of so many of his supporters.  I hold him responsible for not openly condemning them until they were run the fuck out of his “revolution.”  Which he never came close to doing.

But anyway.  Bernie’s not a Democrat, and it’s the Democrats who are doing the assassination porns.  I’m sure the last couple of paragraphs are going to get to the porny part.  Surely.

Despite past rhetoric, Trump isn’t responsible for this recent attack either. In fact, he gets the severity of this tragedy: “Many lives would’ve been lost if not for the heroic actions of the two Capitol Police officers who took down the gunman, despite sustaining gunshot wounds during a very, very brutal assault,” said Trump in a statement from the Diplomatic Room at the White House. In my opinion this shows Trump is growing to understand his responsibility as president and commander in chief.

Wow.

We liberals have been too busy arguing with and hating on “the others.” We’ve done what we accused the Right of doing. And what has that gotten us?

Liberals, it’s time to have a serious talk about the dangers on the Left to prevent this type of tragedy from happening again.

Go fuck yourself, The Federalist.

A good indicator of my current mental state

I listened to “Fuck Dying” by Ice Cube four times on the way home from work tonight.  This is actually a good thing and indicates a certain amount of nah, world, you can’t touch me tonight.  

It’s been a week of short-ass posts, I know, but there’s a lot going on tomorrow, assuming I’m able to keep my momentum up.

In the meantime, and not for the first time:

New rule

If the thought “I’ve been sweaty all day, I should take a shower before bed” occurs to me, I MUST take a shower.  Because there is no universe where the 15 minutes of not sleeping is WORSE than being sweaty and gross all night and consequently getting no damn sleep at all.

Guess what I’m about to do.