I get home from a grocery run (I’m cooking two full meals tomorrow! Whee!) and my wife is sitting on the couch with the boy watching, as it turns out, YouTube baby videos on the TV. She’s found a bunch of videos from the Baby First channel. He’s watching a Bonnie Bear video at the moment.
I fucking hate the Baby First channel, folks. I can watch Sesame Street all goddamn day long; Sesame Street taught me to read and I will be forever grateful to it for that. I found the image over there by typing “FUCK HARRY THE BUNNY” into Google Image Search. The fact that the people who commissioned this stupid cake spelled their son’s name “Jakeb” tells me everything I need to know about them, and I hate them almost as much as I hate Harry the Bunny.
But whatever. I can put up with a few minutes of this insipid bullshit while she draws his bath, and he’s gonna age out of it soon. As parenting problems go, this ain’t one.
Anyway. Like I said, she’s not watching the channel (sidenote: we just dropped cable,) she’s watching YouTube videos through our Apple TV. So she leaves the room and it’s over in like two minutes. She’s done a search for “Baby First TV” that came up with a bunch of stuff. I choose one featuring Rainbow Horse, who I also hate, but not as much as Harry the Bunny.
He starts screaming. “BONNIE BEAR! BONNIE BEAR!” Okay, shit, fine, dude, I didn’t know you cared that much. I locate another Bonnie Bear video and queue that up.
He starts screaming again. “HORSE!!!” I’ve just turned off the goddamn rainbow horse.
“You sure, kid? You just said you didn’t want Rainbow Horse.”
“RAINBOW HORSE!!!” The little shit’s actually tearing up. Okay, fine, we’ll watch what we were watching RIGHT BEFORE YOU SCREAMED AT ME TO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE. And I go back to the Rainbow Horse episode that was just on.
He’s fine with that, for two minutes. I ask him what he wants to watch.
You ever had to tell the difference between a toddler saying “bunny” and “Bonnie” before? Ever had to do it when even if you choose the one he just said he was going to immediately change his mind and scream at you to watch the other one? Because I just had five minutes of that and it’s fun. Oh, and he hates Rainbow Horse again so we can’t go back to that.
We finally landed on the fucking bunny, whose “episode” was three minutes of him determining how to put on a hat. I hate you, Harry the Bunny.
How long until he’s sixteen?